To Cara know that I love you

 That is how I feel every day. Not much I can say. I can not talk to you because you made that quite clear. So instead my head swirls wishing you had talked to me. When all the good things were happening ... all these things outweighed any bad stuff to me. If you never talked to me I could not say I was sorry and correct something I was doing that didnt help things. It is frustrating and painful. Because I love you. You are my daughter and I would never change that.  I admit if you had brought all of these issues to me it would be hard to just listen. I would try, i would give all I have to try. Just to listen. Just to understand you. I always was trying. Oh well. I love you. I will always love you.

 So this week has been kind of rough after the surgery on Monday. They cut into my head. Constant aches and pains and just uggh.  Plus I had the conference this week. Lots of people talking and yapping about stuff. Soooo.... thats my week. Would love to know how things are going obviously that is not happening. I just want to say there are so many times I wanted to just hug you and tell you how much I loved you and that I would be there for you when ever you needed me. But Everytime I tried to get close you put up walls.  I guess I know why you put up all these walls. I wish you would have talked to me. And hopefully we would have eventually worked it out. I can tell you from experience cutting me out wont make it go away.  This I know from experience with Jim.  But i guess it is different to you. You dont think I was ever there. I understand that. I hate it but I understand it. Oh well. Back to watching Umbrella Academy.  Love you always

 Well another one passed and this time I def knew I would not hear from you. It hurts like every other year. This year a bit more I guess. I get that you  never thought of me as a Dad. Rick was there from the time you were a little girl. It makes sense and I understand but it still hurts. The times you would call me Dad they made up for all the other times you didn't.  I hope some day that you will understand why things were how they were. That as parents we do our best and sometimes fail. But in the end we still love our kids.  Well I love you always will. 

 Well I went to surgery on Tuesday and all went well. They did find a polyp that they removed. That is good. It can not become cancer. So good thing i went. I hope you are doing well. I just finished up watching Masters of the Universe on Netflix. Not a bad little remake if its something you interested in.  Now trying to figure out what off my super large list across movies,games and shows to get into next. Erin is coming over this weekend. I dont get to see your sister as much as I use to but we still have dinner very Wednesday. Last night her boyfriend Kevin came. He is okay. he is too old for her but he treats her nice as far as i can tell. That is all that matters. You know you didnt ask often about your mom and I. And I didnt offer much because well a lot of it hurt. And i never wanted to say anything negative about her.  So story time I guess.  I met your mom online. Early days of the internet ha ha.  I was new to Texas so I was trying hard to meet people ...

 Hey Cara Was riding today and thinking of you and my past and my regrets and just everything. I do this all the time with everyone. I had hoped that my mistakes and flaws with you had been outweighed by all the times ive tried to be a good Dad. Obviously i failed. So having a temper . .. that is one of many of my flaws. I am sadly a deeply flawed human being. Some one who most likely should have sought out some sort of help long ago. I have many times succumbed to my temper.  It was so bad when I was a kid. Top it off with being so afraid of what others thought of me. I was teased and told why do you have suck think skin. Just teasing... I hated it .. hated it so much . . and I think in the end it forged me. Times I have most likely done it to others perhaps even you and Erin.   All of this is there are some good traits in me. The few I have I feel you and Erin have captured the best parts and are so much better than I ever was or could be.  It is funny. Tuesda...

 Hey Cara Just writing this because I thought about it on my bike ride today and have thought a few times that you should know this. Every day I have always dreamed that one day maybe you would like to move in with me. It was always a dream. I knew it would never happen but I was always hoping that maybe it could. Going back to your text to me from a week ago or so. You talk about a spanking. You were spanked. It was not how you envisioned. That is borderline child abuse and your mother would have been on plane to get you within hours of you telling her about it.  I remember the one and only time we spanked you because I ended up on the phone with your mom for a while. How she explained they didnt spank you to punish you they had a different approach. And after that talk I tried very hard to follow that approach.  You should know though that Erin was raised differently by me and Melanie and it was very hard to balance both of you at the same time. Like if you were both ba...

 Friday I went to Aweseome Con one day. I got to meet Hayley Atwell. She was so cool. And also met a bunch of voice actors from Fallout 4 and some other stuff. I think you would have enjoyed the panels I went too. Sadly I did not get to see as much as I wanted as only there on a Friday and 3 hours was in line to meet Hayley Atwell.  Still fun.   Today was a dentist appointment and next next Tuesday is a colonoscopy. I am sure it will all be fine. Erin has to take me and wait for me. I am not allowed to drive. Im sure there will be no cancer or anything but at least things will be safe getting it done. I don't know if you understand stuff at all but I have always loved you. I always wanted to be more than I was allowed. I have always been so proud of you. And I always enjoyed hearing about what was going on. The time I had I did go out of my way to make things memorable. That is what I was always trying to do. I did stuff wrong at times because I had never done things...

 So I am going to tell a story that maybe will help you understand me and some of the stuff that has happened. When we all lived in Texas I saw you every Wednesday and every other weekend. And it was a long fight to get to that point. Perhaps if I had done things differently at the beginning there would have not been a fight for it I don't know. But I was there and then Erin. I have pictures of you  over little baby Erin. They are so cute. So that was going on and it happened for a while. Then we had to leave Texas. You all followed suit shortly to go to Minnesota. So it went from seeing you every week to seeing you for a very limited time in the summer and sometimes holidays if your mother let you and we could afford to get you. In my mind when you started visiting I knew it would be hard but I thought all of those visits when you were little would still be in your head and you would somehow just be the same little girl that was slowly growing to at least like me maybe love m...

  Dearest Cara, I am writing this the morning after you sent that very strongly worded and honestly it felt like hate text message. I wish you had called. I wish a lot of things but life is a long hard road you are just getting started on. Right now I am sad, hurt, in pain even mad that I can not do anything to fix it but I respect your feelings as an adult. And I will step away knowing a piece of me is gone hopefully not forever.  It would be easy to dismiss some of what you said as things conflated and incorrect. These are things that happened when you were angry or I was angry. But I respect that this is how you saw what happened in these instances.  I am sorry that is how you remember things. I really am. I do not know what you wanted me to say to the things you said.  I tried very hard to be a good father and I loved every minute of the time I had with you.  What I think you do miss is that in the limited time I was ever able to see you due to differing cir...

 Hi Cara Welcome to the only way I could keep talking to you. If you are reading this you were given the address by someone who has read my will or was there for it if I have died. Or you have somehow stumbled on it in some strange way via the magic of the interwebz. You might be asking why would I do this. Well when you sent the text last week I was crushed and destroyed and hurt. But the only thing I could do was respect your wishes. So in this blog I will talk to you the only way I can. I will write the messages I would have sent or the calls I would have made.  I may write every day or several times a day or maybe just once a week or month. Who knows what I will do. But I will put words to page because that is what I can do. And maybe someday when you see this you will understand me better.  The next post is what I wrote the morning after you sent the text telling me in no uncertain terms to go fuck off and you never want to see me or hear from me again.