Surgery was good

 Well I went to surgery on Tuesday and all went well. They did find a polyp that they removed. That is good. It can not become cancer. So good thing i went.

I hope you are doing well. I just finished up watching Masters of the Universe on Netflix. Not a bad little remake if its something you interested in.  Now trying to figure out what off my super large list across movies,games and shows to get into next.

Erin is coming over this weekend. I dont get to see your sister as much as I use to but we still have dinner very Wednesday. Last night her boyfriend Kevin came. He is okay. he is too old for her but he treats her nice as far as i can tell. That is all that matters.

You know you didnt ask often about your mom and I. And I didnt offer much because well a lot of it hurt. And i never wanted to say anything negative about her. 

So story time I guess. 

I met your mom online. Early days of the internet ha ha.  I was new to Texas so I was trying hard to meet people anywhere I could.  In fairness to your mom I was and have always been in love with my girlfriend from college, Heather. It was one of the few times in life I think I was truly in love.  Like that movie kind of love.  But that does not mean I did not like your mom. I liked your mom a lot and she actually helped bring me out of a shell I had no idea I was in. 

We met if I recall correctly for the first time at this bar/restaurant on Hulen St in Ft Worth I believe. We talked for hours. It was so cool. She was so easy to talk to and she accepted me for who I was. I was not quite embracing my overboard dorkiness at the time. I think I hid a lot of that and I wish I had not over the years. If anything I hope you have learned so far in life is always be you. Don't hide you for anyone. I did I think at times.

I remember at the time I still really missed Heather and was trying hard to get past the mistakes I made there.  I still talked to Heather, and still do to this day not as much as I did back then obviously, but well I did and that was unfair to your mom. I know she had a life before me and relationships as well  but I will take this on me that I prob never gave as much as I should.

I remember one night laying on the floor of your mom's apartment and just talking. We talked deep into the night. And it was amazing. We really did talk a lot back then. 

I invited her to the Holiday Party at Capital One. We even got a room at the hotel. That night was crazy. We both def had a little too much to drink. And we partied like crazy. I never danced but your mom . . somehow that girl got me on the dance floor. People I knew said I had not looked that happy before. And I was happy. I was having a blast with a beautiful woman who I did care about. I cant say I was in love but in the moment it was amazing.

That would have been December 1998. September 1 of the next year you arrived. I am not sure but you might have actually been a little bit early.

So you might be asking what happened next? Well this part will be sticky. There are going to be things that might not be what your mom remembers happening or her view might be different. But I am going to tell you what happened from my recollection.

First the night you were conceived your mother told me she was on birth control.  I should have taken more precautions but I did not. This is important to remember because it will be one of the things that shapes my future decisions.

Time passes. We spend a ton of time together and she is at my apartment that i shared with Aaron and Danny. You know Aaron, so he is someone who has been there for a long time.  Your aunt Barrie had even been to the apartment a few times if I recall, at least once I am certain. There are things I learned later that happened. Danny was a drug user, cocaine, I think you mentioned once that your mom had done drugs when she was younger. I think this was one of those occasions, well many of those occasions. I was not included in this stuff. I did not partake and never have.

So we continued dating and having a relationship. I really liked hanging out with your mom and to be honest I am not sure how much real dating we did. We were young. I dont recall doing the stuff I think we should have done if we were dating but I worked odd hours.

So one day your mom calls me and this is the synopsis of that conversation to my memory. She says she has a friend that has a problem and she wants my opinion as a guy. She says her friend is pregnant and wants to know if I ,as a guy, were the guy in her friends situation what would I do? Would i want her to get an abortion. I said I think it would need to be something they need to talk about but I think I would lean towards no. 

Your mom would later, not right then, i think tell me she was pregnant.  And I at that point decided I was not going to be my parents.  I ended up getting us a 2 bedroom apartment and we moved all our stuff in there. 2nd floor of an apartment complex on west side of Ft Worth. Your mom may even have pictures of you there I dont know. I know she was there for a while but cant recall if she moved out before or after you were born.

So we had moved in together. My best friend I had known since high school warned me it was a bad idea. He said your mom wasnt telling me everything. He did not mention the drug use but that was one of the things he was talking about. I did not listen. I really wanted to do right by your mom. So I gave it my all. 

We even threw a big birthday party for me one time and had tons of people over. It was her friends and mine and was a grand ol time. At least I think it was. The pictures say it was fun.

I do not know when things started to fall apart. I dont know what your mom did or says she found out about me.  I know I never cheated on her.  I recall her saying something that I had written Heather an email saying I wish she had been at the holiday party. This is something I dont remember and it bothers me that she went through my emails but I know things went sideways as the pregnancy went along. And I dont remember being around as it continued.

I do remember us choosing your name. As tension grew between us living together was tough. We had not been dating that long. Not dating the way we should. 

Several things would lead to the next step in our relationship crashing apart. I remember eventually moving into the 2nd bedroom trying to figure out a way to make it last. Make it work. But my heart was not in it and I dont think hers was either. I am not sure but I believe she had known Rick before me and her met. I don't know that for sure. I know she always mentioned someone, a friend  who was a man that was really close and she felt she could confide in. 

Either way this is about your mom and I. I know that as tension built within us I was getting things from others questioning if you were mine. I was like why would your mom lie? But the seeds were planted. Your mom was not always honest with me and to be fair I was prob not honest with her all the time either. This ends up creating a very toxic environment. 

Something happened I dont remember what but I came home one day and your mom had left her journals on the dining room table. I read them of course because our trust was shot. In them she mentions having seen and have relations with men that were not me mere weeks before the holiday party. This combined with what she told me at the party, the seeds already planted, the way she told me she was pregnant with you, all of it was perfect storm that led me to the wrong path. Perhaps it was the right path as maybe it would have been worse if I stayed. 

I know I asked your mom to do a pre birth dna test but she refused. She was adamant on that. And you were mine but the seeds of doubt that had been planted. And would be further fueled.

So after this revelation I decided to move out and I got myself a single bedroom apartment a little north of your mom if I recall. I then did what I could to make sure your mom and Barrie were on the lease to keep the apartment without me. I know they stayed there a bit. But not sure how much longer.

And that was the end of our whatever you want to call it.  The next things that happened I will share in another post.