Telling a story

 So I am going to tell a story that maybe will help you understand me and some of the stuff that has happened. When we all lived in Texas I saw you every Wednesday and every other weekend. And it was a long fight to get to that point. Perhaps if I had done things differently at the beginning there would have not been a fight for it I don't know. But I was there and then Erin. I have pictures of you  over little baby Erin. They are so cute. So that was going on and it happened for a while.

Then we had to leave Texas. You all followed suit shortly to go to Minnesota. So it went from seeing you every week to seeing you for a very limited time in the summer and sometimes holidays if your mother let you and we could afford to get you.

In my mind when you started visiting I knew it would be hard but I thought all of those visits when you were little would still be in your head and you would somehow just be the same little girl that was slowly growing to at least like me maybe love me. 

When I would talk to you on the phone all I ever wanted to do was be there for you as best as I could and listen and learn about you and what made you be so special. And if you wanted to hear about me and what was going on I would tell you. But mostly I just wanted to be a part of your life.

Now let me tell you this story about a little boy who at less than a year old was dropped off and left with his Grandma and Nana. And for many years they were his whole life. Nana, his great grandma would walk him a mile to school every day. She was his everything. His security blanket. Then one day that little boy's Father and mother came back and took him away. Not for a visit where he could come back to his Grandma and Nana, but away, he was not going to get to comeback. 

This little boy was so scared he cried for days. It became so bad his Mother gave up on him and told his Father to take him back to his Grandma and his Nana. And they did. And this little boy he needed that security blanket even more. His Grandma worked but Nana was always there for him. And he clang to her like a sailor lost at sea clinging to life. This was what kept him above water. 

When this little boy's Grandma would take him out of the house he would ask how far away they were. You see that house, being away from it, it was scary, it was a big world away from his Nana and the safety of home. Even though he loved his Grandma she was not always there. 

But over time his Grandma had to stop working and she was home more and this was a good thing. Because even though his Nana was a good person and loved him very much she did and said things that hurt the boy. He was called stupid among other things and his self esteem, self worth was destroyed. 

His security net would change to his Grandma who he loved very much and she loved him more than anything. And gradually the world expanded but he needed , wanted to be near home and her. 

Then it happened again, this time the Father came with a new wife and son. And they took the boy away with no chance of return and the boy had no say. He didnt want to go. He loved his Grandma and he did not know this father. The man had never been around. Had left him when he was very little and had gone off on his own. Being a parent was not what he wanted to be. 

The little boy cried and threw temper tantrums. The poor step mom had no idea what was going on as she had no idea the little boy had never been with the father but one other time and that had not gone well.

In the end the child hurt and missing his home was once again returned. And while he would eventually grow up and still like being close to his family. Till they passed away both suddenly within months of each other leaving him to move on into adulthood alone.

When you came to us each summer I hoped for so much. And I am sorry. I put way too much expectations on a little girl that I just wanted to give so much love and have love me back. And each year you were taken from your security blanket to visit this man you hardly knew. I put more and expectations on you. I thought things got better as you got older but maybe I just projected what I was hoping.

I told you the story of my childhood not to get any sympathy but to tell you I am sorry. If anyone should have known and understood what you were going through it was me.  And I did not, I did not recognize me in you  because I was trying to be there all the time that I could where my father had not.  But even if I was trying to do that it does not change the fact that I was uprooting you every Summer from where you felt secure and home.  I am so sorry. 

I wish you had gotten to understand me and me you so much better than we did.

Know that I love you and will always love you. I miss you every day and there does not a day go by that i wish you would have picked up the phone called me and said I want to live with you. I would have been ecstatic.