To Cara know that I love you

 Yesterday was Erin's birthday. You reached out to her finally. The first time since you reached out the day after you tore out my heart. I really want to know what Doctor told you that you should send a text message blaming me for a handful of things that supposedly altered your entire life.  It really hurts. But I think that is what you meant to do for some reason. Is hurt me. I dont know why. All I have ever done is tried to love you and be there for whatever you needed from me. You probably don't recall me at your graduation thanking your mom and Rick for being there for you and doing such a great job to raise you. I was so proud of the woman you were becoming. And was happy for the few moments I always got to share with you.  Every day I think about you and hurt. Every day is a new knife into my heart. I realized this weekend watching someone say goodbye to a family member on deaths door that when I die you won't care. It hurts like nothing you can know right now. Ma...

 July is coming to an end and I find myself tired so much lately. Not sure why. Hopefully things will change. Everyday working by late morning I am just beat down, fatigued. Hopefully things get better is all I can say. Erin told me you changed your name on your social media and you havent reached out to her since after the day you sent me that text.  First that is really shitty of you. Dragging her into this. You had not talked to her since March and than just randomly ask her how I was doing after you basically said I was the worst thing that ever happened to you. Not very cool.  That said. I still think of you and hope you are doing well. I know you do not care. And that is okay. That is your choice.  I want you to know that when I watch things, read things, do things, I think of you a lot. Wishing you were here to share with it. Well I love you and always will.

 So this week has been huge. Wednesday via a message from someone who matched 16% with me on 23andMe. They are on there with you too. Stephen Mueller.  Well He is my uncle and a half brother of my actual father it turns out. Richard Allen McClure. I was able to start putting so many pieces together.  It is really crazy. William McClure (Richards father) and his wife Miriam's family the Coe's/Nusbaums are all families around Frederick Md and Carrol County MD where I spent my teenage years. So all those years was surrounded my members of my family and never knew it.  The end result is I am digging so much. I will be taking an Ancestry.com test to get even more info.  It was so much. I suppose since I wont ever get to talk to you about this I need to type it all out. How it happened. Steve wrote me a message via Facebook Tuesday night. In the morning I saw it. He had said he had just used 23andme and I was the highest match and was listed as a 1st Cousin. He said h...

 The one thing i remember is you reaching out to me about this super fun show you started watching. I remember you telling me how you loved it and how excited you were. And for whatever reason I tried to watch it back when you told me. But I could not get into it for whatever reason. Now here we are in 2022 and I am deep in campaign 1. I love it. I think it is that i just have more free time now but I so wish I had tried harder to watch when you told me. Maybe it would have been something I would have reached out to you weekly about to see what you thought.  I know you always use to think out of sight out of mind. But you are never out of my sight or mind. I am constantly thinking about you.  Love you so much. Miss you. 

 So many weekends spent with you and Erin over the summers. My memory is not as good as it use to be. I really may have something wrong. I dont know. But I remember you and Erin the ballpark watching fireworks. I remember you two sitting with Melanie in the back of the suv one year.  I totally remember clearly Antimony. What a great time.  I took a bike ride today 11 miles and realized you are going to get married and prob not even invite me. I figured years ago you would not have me walk you down the aisle. But at least I figured I might be there. Now there wont even be that.  I want to talk to you. I want to be able to say sorry but like the doctors say " Contacting an adult who has asked for space is a good way to force them further away from you. It will also prolong the estrangement, since the request for space remains unfulfilled as long as you’re reaching out."  I wont do that to you. I have done enough in your eyes for three lifetimes. No need to add mor...