50th birthday

 Happy Birthday to me. I did not expect anything from you. You had not really done it in the past. Here and there. It always felt like you were trying so hard to even be my kid. I dont know why you didnt want to be close.

All i ever wanted to be was a good father. I tried so hard to do the right things and I guess I failed and I will go to my death bed knowing you hate me for all these bad things but you never remember any good moments. I get it though. All the bad to you in your mind it added up. And since there was such little times i had to even make it work. It was bigger and worse than if I had been around all the time.

It still hurts that you did not feel we could talk about this and get an understanding. I wish maybe somedya you will understand me. Or try at least before I die. 

If not than what can i do but continue to leave these notes that I love you and always think of you.